What Your Ex Really Wants from You (and How to Handle It)

Breaking up is messy. One minute you’re sharing takeout and Netflix passwords, the next you’re dodging cryptic texts from your ex at 2 a.m. If you’re wondering what they really want—closure, a second chance, or just to mess with your head—this post is for you. Let’s unpack the most common motivations behind their post-breakup behavior and how to navigate it without losing your sanity.

Why Is Your Ex Reaching Out? The Real Reasons

Exes don’t always say what they mean. That vague “how you doing?” message might seem innocent, but it’s often loaded. Based on what I’ve seen (and, let’s be real, we’ve all been through this), here are the most likely reasons your ex is sliding back into your life:

1. They Want Closure (or Think They Do)Some exes genuinely want to tie up loose ends. Maybe they feel guilty about how things ended, or they’re stuck on unanswered questions like, “Why didn’t it work?” They might reach out hoping for a heart-to-heart to make peace with the past.Example: A friend of mine got a long email from her ex six months after their breakup, asking to “talk things over.” Turns out, he just needed to hear her say she didn’t hate him.

2. They Miss the Comfort ZoneBreakups disrupt routines. If you were their go-to person for emotional support, late-night chats, or even just someone to split the pizza with, they might be craving that familiarity. This isn’t always about love—it’s often about not wanting to feel alone.

3. They’re Testing the Waters for a ReunionSometimes, an ex wants you back but doesn’t have the guts to say it outright. They’ll drop breadcrumbs—liking your old Instagram posts, sending “nostalgic” memes, or asking about your dog—to gauge if you’re still open to them.

4. They Want to Keep You on the HookNot to be harsh, but some exes are just playing games. They don’t want you, but they don’t want anyone else to have you either. These are the ones who text just enough to keep you wondering, without ever committing to anything real.

5. They’re Just BoredLet’s be honest: sometimes there’s no deep motive. They’re scrolling through their phone on a slow Tuesday night, see your name, and think, “Why not?” These are the flakiest interactions—random, low-effort, and usually not worth your time.

How to Handle Your Ex Like a Pro

So, your ex is blowing up your phone (or maybe just liking your stories creepily). What do you do? Here’s a game plan to keep your peace and handle them with grace—or at least without starting a group chat meltdown with your friends.

1. Figure Out What You Want First

Before you even think about responding, take a second to check in with yourself. Do you want them back? Are you over it and just curious? Or are you secretly hoping they’ve adopted a new personality overnight? (Spoiler: they haven’t.) Knowing your own goals will keep you grounded.

• Pro Tip: Journaling helped me after a breakup. I’d write down why we split and what I wanted moving forward. It stopped me from falling back into old patterns when my ex inevitably texted “miss u.”

2. Set Clear Boundaries

If your ex is reaching out, decide what kind of contact (if any) you’re okay with. Maybe you’re fine with a quick catch-up coffee, but late-night “what if” convos are off-limits. Communicate your boundaries clearly, and stick to them.

• Example: If they’re texting too often, try something like, “Hey, I’m happy to chat occasionally, but I need some space to focus on my own stuff right now.” Firm, kind, no drama.

3. Don’t Fall for the Nostalgia Trap

Exes love to hit you with “remember when” messages that make you second-guess everything. Nostalgia is powerful, but it’s also a liar. Remind yourself why you broke up—write it down if you have to. That time they “forgot” your birthday? Yeah, not so cute now.

4. Decode Their Intentions (Without Overthinking It)

Pay attention to their behavior, not just their words. Are they consistent, or do they only pop up when they’re single? If they’re vague or flaky, they’re probably not serious about reconnecting. Trust your gut—it’s usually right.

• Real Talk: I once had an ex send me a playlist “just because.” Felt sweet until I realized he sent it to three other people. Don’t overanalyze mixed signals; they’re usually a sign of no signal at all.

5. Know When to Cut Contact

If their outreach is stressing you out, making you question your worth, or holding you back from moving on, it’s time to hit the block button. You don’t owe them access to your life. Protect your energy—it’s not selfish, it’s survival.

A Quick Note on Context

Every breakup is different. If you share kids, a business, or a friend group, cutting contact might not be an option. In those cases, keep things practical and neutral—focus on logistics, not emotions. For example, if you’re co-parenting, stick to texts about schedules and avoid diving into personal stuff.

The Bottom Line

Your ex might want closure, a do-over, or just a moment of your attention. But what matters most is what you want. Don’t let their random texts pull you back into a cycle you’ve already left behind. Set boundaries, stay clear on your own goals, and don’t be afraid to walk away if it’s not serving you. You’ve got better things to do—like binge-watching that show they always hated.

What’s your take? Dealing with a clingy ex or just curious about their motives? Drop your thoughts below—I’m all ears (or rather, all text).